Half time

2022 is still on course!

We are in the second half of it and I am optimistic even as I race against time. Afterall the redeemer of time is on my side. I’m learning a new skill which makes me money directly and I’m poised for the possibilities it will open me up to.

As an essentialist and minimalist, I no longer enjoy being spread thin and I do not find value in many pursuits. It’s now one priority at a given time. So it’s for the best that, design career has to wait. We print money now.

I am in a very peculiar phase of my life. I sometimes feel so inadequate and frustrated at life doing its thing. The last time I felt these kinda ways was way back in uni. However, I sense a growth in the way I approach and handle situations now. Less reactivity and more pro activity.

Building and a walk with God is not bad. Truly, great things do come at a cost. I hope it’s not as lonely at the top as they say. All I have now is fellowship with my Bible and writing. I should be doing them more often than I do now too. Writing has always been my best therapist.

This write up feels so matter of fact and almost bland. Maybe that’s how its supposed to be. will save the creative writing for later.

Now to go get ready for the market. Radios wordpress.

As far as resolutions go

It’s another successful slow dancing around the sun. It’s that time when we take stock of our lives, pumped full of whittling emotion like cheap drugs, and we decide that we are going to be better to do better. We weigh options, go through the pros and cons, for those that take themselves too seriously sometimes they put pen on paper and go to church on New Years Eve to stomp on Satan. I’m way past that now, there is some wisdom that comes with age and there is wisdom that comes from being sick of insanity. I for one I’m both old and tired of the insane. It’s why I dont take new year resolutions too seriously. Naturally I would reflect and see what I should focus on and do some goal setting or adjustment of some goals. However, you see that sensationalism that comes with it all? Miss me with that. The title of the sermon where I went to church was ‘A walk with God’ and it did resonate with me. Not much difference from what I wanted to do or achieve last year. The emphasis on that walk was an increase which also hit home. Personally, I would say ‘building’. This year is on its third day, the first step of the slow dance has already began. As the earth does its dance, I will be digging its surface to be laying foundations for building.

My building is three-pronged; relationships, capacity and business.

On relationships, i say that I’ve been shallow with the people I relate with. And I mean friends and family that are in my life. I’ve taken for granted that those bonds will deepen with the passing of time and life but how foolish I am with such a thought. The only thing that grows naturally without intention and application is our biology and even with that there’s is the concept of stunted growth if it doesnt happen right. This is not the place to talk about my relationship with my God but He is a priority. As for family, the building of those bonds is directly proportional to responsibility that have been laid on me. And for my friends, is where I have just ‘good-vibes’ everyone. Minimal effort has turned friends into acquaintances and potential business startups into idea dust. As a hopeful romantic, I’m just gonna take how I love to the next level.

On capacity, I just want to focus on my talents and interest, to hone them and produce tangible effects. My imagination is so keen and brilliant not to be creating works of art. It’s time to move from being a Jack of all trades to a master of a few. There’s a building of capacity that correlates to tripling my income and I will be all over that. I’m tired of the limitations imposed by lack of funds.

On the building of business, there’s not much to say except there are dreams I have been dreaming and now I am awake and it’s time to build those dreams. Some of the business will be a resultant of the building of capacity. Some business will be collaborations of and from building relationships.

My 2022’s work is cut out for me. My sleeves are rolled, my brows are furrowed, my jaw is set and my breathing is paced. 2022 has to say about me, that I was here some.

What you want

A man who knows what he wants (must) devices a way to get what he wants.

To know what you want includes the meaning of understanding what you want.

He plans and with a plan comes sacrifice. Sacrifice may come in the form of rules, rules he wills himself to follow so it will augur well for him. To not follow rules equates no sacrifice, the plan fails and ultimately he doesn’t get what he wants.

The need to follow rules admits an inherent indiscipline or necessity to assert strongly on oneself in order to get things done.

So now I ask, are you a real man and do you know what you want? My answer is yes, I want freedom. I dont want to be in bondage or under the whims of a person, place or thing. I want to be able to express myself and my identity in whatever ways I can. Materially and ideally, who I am should flow out of me and come back to me just like God does it. That being said, I want to be closer to God. I want to have intimacy and dwell in His secret place. I cannot now begin to tell you what that means to me and what it does for me. Also more importantly, I want to be financially agile, like a monkey on a money tree maybe. I dont want to sweat about the basic things of life. I absolutely detest for me or any member of my family to be undignified because of something as basic as food, shelter or clothes like it has happened to me in the past. Lastly, I want to create and build.

Fair enough that you know what you want, now what’s the plan? I have a lot of plans. Some buried in books that are under thick layers of dust. They have ranged from trying to land specific jobs to accomplish specific things and to acquire specific things. Now, the plan is only one. The plan is God. I mean I do all I can, I work and try to save. It has never brought me closer to realizing any of what I really want. It doesnt mean I stop. The plan is to hustle. To go hard like a motherfucker. To work both hard and smart like my very life depends on it because it does. The plan is to break down the dream to workable goals and focus. All distractions have to go. The fear of missing out must perish. Enjoyment has to wait as an end in itself. The plan is to now identify my process, believe in it and then go through it. And so what will my sacrifice be, I believe is the follow up question. My sacrifice is all the things that bring me comfort. To make this work, I have to be constantly out of my comfort zone. Binging movies and games has to be killed. I have to trade spending time with friends for social purposes with going the extra mile in getting things done. Social media needs to be regulated. Anything resembling luxury must forfeit because frugality is the way.

Now then, what are your rules? What are your dos and don’ts? The beliefs you subject yourself to in order to bring boundaries and balance? Nobody and nothing else matters except God, kin and company. My rules ride on this as a philosophy. My day is in two main parts, a strictly scheduled part for prayer and meditation and sometimes writing. And then the other part is more like a freestyle where I engage most of my creative endeavors. Going off the grid is also very useful to me. There’s another level of cognitive and creative ability to be reached when you turn off your data and sit with yourself. I like the 5 by 5 rule. If it’s not gonna matter in 5 years, dont spend more than 5 minutes doing it. No spontaneous outings that involve spending money, that stint has been putting me in debt since 2018. No taking shortcuts, go through the process and the pain. I believe in being honed and refined by circumstances as long as you go through it consciously with the mindset of learning and doing better. A lot of my rules have changed with some undergoing review but these are adequate to work with.

Now this last question is a subtle dig or challenge depending on how u look at it. Why should anyone trust you to to be able to do these things? Why should you even trust yourself? To the first question, I dont know and I dont care. Except you are a loved one or in the inner circle, I’m not in the business of pleasing people by holding their opinions over me. To the second question, I do trust myself because I have grown and learnt, the hard way I must add. I have never been hungrier to achieve and get things done. I believe I am fed up with being mediocre. The spirit of excellence is a language I want to speak fluently. It’s now onto living the best life and becoming the best version of myself or nothing!

2. Name

I should not let Nda talk to me like that. I do not deserve any of it. I have known my place on the compound and stuck to it, never improvising, never saying more than I should, never doing more than I should lest it be misconstrued and used against me. The ability to hurl words that have the power to demoralize was such a skill. I have been more convinced of it having watched Asina grow from a sweet young girl to the sharp tongued girl who people employed to fight their verbal wars, is all the case study I needed.

She was the one I tiptoed around the most because gradually Nda was poisoning her against me – against her enemies. And I was an enemy especially as I wanted to remain neutral. Asina was the same as me until she started sharpening her tongue. It wasn’t long before Nda started cozying up to her because if you can’t beat them you have to join them or better still recruit them. Nda went about it so slyly that no one was able to notice. This morning, it took my keen eye to see that I was being trapped into trouble. And to avert that, I had to do my house chores twice. Now all the girls are already on their way back from fetching water and I would have to go alone. Alone with only my thoughts for company and I know once again I would have to think of mama and she coming to get me out of here.

I took my carrying cloth with me and hurried out of the compound. My pot was already waiting for me at the gate, I didn’t want them seeing me headed out so I can go and come back in peace. Whatever quarrel they had with me will still be here when I return but I couldn’t waste any more of the cool morning not fetching water. When the sun rays hit, I would want to be making hay…not making arguments while I still had water to fetch. I smiled. Mama taught me that. She loved that I loved proverbial sayings and she was always testing me with some of them and riddles. I rounded the bend in the path where the shrubs ended abruptly giving way to a long stretch of parched earth.

Yaaro saw the lone figure emerge from the path just as he raised his head. He froze for a quick second but his heart picked up a steady beat. It was her. The sway of her hips was a slower this time, her rhythm uneven. Her smile was no where in sight too. Creases formed on the brow of Yaaro’s face. He wished he wasn’t here yet he could not take his gaze away from her. In a few paces, she would be within eyeshot of him. The giant neem tree was not going to hide him anymore. He would have to melt into the soil where the heat would smother him. He shifted his weight from one foot to another.

My eyes focused. I heard something. Maybe it’s just some small reptile playing by the neem, she thought. My eyes went to the measly scattered shrubs under the mighty neem tree and my senses sharpened. Did I see a foot? She squinted out of habit and then she saw a leg. Her eyes traveled up along until she saw a hand and just then the figure moved.

Yaaro panicked at the thought of having been seen by her. He had not yet thought of what to say to her – the right words at least. She got near him and her look was questioning but she still slowed. Perhaps she thought he didn’t look like he could cause harm but she didn’t really stop. She continued to walk and then turned her face away from him. As if not bearing to not look upon her face was his motivation, he called out to her. “Hello”, his voice came out rather weakly. He cleared his throat. She stopped finally and looked at him with a “what?” on her face.

“Are you going to the tap?”, he managed. She laughed this time but that did nothing to reduce the tension Yaaro was feeling. “Is there anywhere else to carry a water pot to?” she said. He smiled weakly. She wasn’t rude but she had cleverly told him his question was stupid. “I…uhm… would you be able to carry it on your own?”, his desperation to steer the conversation in a favorable direction was beginning to show. “I think the pot would help me carry itself, if I couldn’t, after all this time of me doing the carrying.” she responded. “Oh I mean, how would you get the pot on your head when the filling is done?” She smiled sweetly now and said “You don’t go out much do you? When was the last time you went to the taps?” He only shrugged at her question. A smile played at the corner of his lips. “Well, why don’t we go so you see for yourself then?” she said and started walking on. Yaaro was taken aback by her words but his legs moves into action and he hurried after her. With her back turned to him, he allowed the smile to break onto his face slowly.

My mind raced so speedily yet scatteredly. I had no idea what was coming. Why would she ask me to go to the taps with her? My answer came as soon as we got there. A couple more taps had been added and these new ones were raised high so one could fetch whiles standing with a pot or basin on their head. She finished in no time and turned off the taps. I could almost see a smile playing at the corners of her lips. Perhaps she was enjoying the amusement from my realization of my little ignorance. I had to say something fast and be on my way before I end making a fool of myself. I want to say something that will allow me to pick up where I leave off the next time I see her. “I really should get out more else I will one day be surprised or embarrassed by what new developments will come” I said trying to add a tone of humor to it.

“Well you should…”, she trailed off. “I think I have to go now but I should get your name in case I uhm….my name is Yaaro.” “Yaaro” she repeated as if turning the name in her mind to inspect it. “I am Sundii” and with that she left. I couldn’t help but watch her walk away. More than the sway of her hips, my eyeballs were glued to her calfs, fleshy yet toned.

1. Yaaro

I know what I am. I have powers. I am able to channel words and feelings to send a message. When the source of my power or motivation is strong enough, I’m able to set events into motion and cause things to happen. There are so many labels for what I am. All painting me and my kind black and children of the Sheyitan. They do not understand, they cannot understand. I turn these words over in my mind so many times till the rage simmers down. At no point in my life have I felt like a bigger outcast. Even my kind were compromising. Giving their gifts – no, killing their gifts – I thought with such indignation that I tasted metal in my mouth. All for what? The acceptance of such mere mortal men.

 

“Know yet not that ye are gods?”

 

Arrrghhh. I clench my fists , closed my eyes and did my summoning dance in my head. I am a god. I know it. I feel it. It’s faint but it’s there. I will be worthy of this gift.

The thought of this phrase always puts Yaaro in such a frenzy that only shows in the thickening of the veins in his forehead or sometimes the reddening of his eyes from suppressing his shouts which were chants. Suppressing himself from doing the summoning dance before he was ready and found unworthy by his muse.

 

Ah. Meni Noor n3! M3bei? When shall I meet her again! I thought sadly, I had absolutely no hope. I had seen her a few times before but I was now hearing about her. She was as pure as me yet an opposite. Where as I was a chaneler, a messenger of the gods and an artist, she was a feeder, a sacrifice on behalf of the gods and art itself.

I craved for a chance meeting with her. I thought of all the ways to make that happen but my frail and sick body was a fatal flaw in whatever plan. It entailed me having to walk long distances to either the river or the farms just to see her. After knowing her routines, I would now have to devise a way to get to talk to her alone. At this point of the season, my body was extra weak and the dizziness came more often. I would have risked it if he could but he knew it was a lost cause.

 

 

Yaaro woke up with a violent cough that made his whole body spasm. He gritted his teeth to help himself calm down. His eyes focused in time to see Daavi rush into the hut with a questioning look. Without uttering a word she turned and went with the same speed she came in. He turned slowly to his side and then finally laid on his belly. It was as if a switch to his senses were flipped for all at once he felt how badly he needed to pass water and how parched his throat was for some water. Even his body needed a splash of cold water for it’s rise in temperature. Yaaro got up and folded his sleeping cloth with such swift movements. He took his batakari from the wall hang it on his shoulder and made his way out. Luckily, Daavi wasn’t in sight but the boiling water for bathing and making breakfast was a sign that she was not far off. He made his way to the back of the compound making a swift escape through the garden. He made sure not to step on any of the newly germinated okra else his explanation for sneaking out will be the least of his worries.

The little struggle he had with the wire mesh gate just to open it and let himself out suggested to him that this idea was ill-begotten. He wasn’t thinking clearly. He needed to drink water. He needed to urinate. As for bathing, that could wait. Where was he even headed? The answer came to him slowly but he understand. The answer was an image, a silhouette that made the corners of his lips attempt a smile. He took long strides and headed to the river.